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00602喜来登酒店推出最强特殊服务
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00602喜来登酒店推出最强特殊服务

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今天从网上团的十斤大蒜到货,我笑的嘎嘎得意跟我妈炫耀:“看到没!啥叫过日子,十斤大蒜比市场的能便宜一二十块!”我眼见着我妈那眼睛从梗缝瞪圆了就开始骂我:“你要死啊!院子里的蒜薹已经吃了两茬,鲜大蒜都能吃了,你个缺心眼的还买十斤去年的陈大蒜干啥?从今天起,你就拿大蒜当饭,吃不完别想吃别的!”
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高架桥:是我给你自由过了火


每次发工资林林总是比我多两百块钱奖金,我很不服。
就上个月,有个阿姨来取快递,由于每天见面都熟,阿姨就和我们聊:哎呦,烦死了,我玩不来网购,看到喜欢的一点开怎么直接付款了?一下子买了七八百块钱东西。
我连忙热心的说:阿姨,您是不是开通免支付了?我来告诉你怎么取消。
林林一听赶紧走过来笑着说:阿姨,辛苦一辈子了,存的钱不就是用来消费的吗?没事哈。
今天发工资,林林又多了两百块钱。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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日本一份调查,针对1万多人,“最不需要的东西是什么?” 前6位依次是:学历、各类资格(证书)、车、生命保险、书(纸媒)、房子。


家住十一楼,电梯坏了,早上走下楼,才发现忘带车钥匙,上班时间快到了,楼下又停了一排车,肯定不能直接把钥匙丢下来。于是打电话给老婆,叫她送下来。
老婆接电话说,好,两分钟送到。我有点纳闷,这娘们会那么勤快,还两分钟。
真的,两分钟后,只见我家养的二哈从楼道里欢快的跑出来,嘴里叼着一串钥匙。
拿着钥匙,正感叹着还是老婆聪明的时候,二哈撒欢儿的在小区里猛跑,我连忙跑过去牵着狗绳。
就这样,二哈在前面跑,我牵着绳子在后面追,整整溜了三圈后,才把它拉回家。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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请把有娃也算上


男朋友来家里蹭饭,老爸赶我去厨房跟老妈学做菜。男友忙献殷勤:“爸,您不用逼小胖学做菜,我会做。以后结婚了,我做给她吃。”老爸笑道:“这是两码事!结婚后,你要不要她做饭是你的事,她会不会做饭就是我的事了。”
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喜来登酒店最强特殊服务


如果你有个直男男友,你会怎么办?

昨天让男友下班回家带个面包,这二愣子,居然买的是姨妈巾,回家还质问我为啥自己不能买吗?他一个大男人不好意思的!问我这个月是不是又提前了!我其实就是想让他带个可以当早餐的面包!

如果不是他做饭还蛮好吃的,我真想一脚踢了他!谁让我吃惯了他做的饭呢!这次该不该原谅他呢?糗友们给个意见呗!-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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夏日浓绿独畅饮。


周末,老婆说爸妈会过来吃饭,超市的基围虾打折,十八快八一斤,买了三斤!
岳父说我们过日子一点都不节俭,这么贵的虾子买这么多(平时四十九块八),我告诉他打折的,十八!

中午,岳母说带点虾子回去给舅子,给了我六十,三斤!!
跑到超市,折上折了:只要九块八!

买了三斤回去,岳母一看小票只要九块八,有点生气:画儿,你也不要把正子管的太死了,你看,他连我的钱都要赚,原来不是这样的人!……

我……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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刚果宣布,埃博拉病毒再次爆发。 (来源:新周刊)


有一次和我第N任女友出去踏青,途中经过一条两米多宽的小河沟,过河沟的石桥离我们还很远很远。女友身高腿长,在小河沟上跳来跳去,示范了好几回,见我不敢跳,气得骂我:你还是不是个男人了?怎么连个女人都不如?

骂完,气呼呼的转过身子,不理我了。我只得说:等我跳过来的时候,拉我一下!

我退后两步,大喊一声,借着助跑往前直窜出去。特么的,女友高估了我的弹跳力,仍然背对着我不动。我脚在对岸的青草上一蹬,一滑,当时就摔了一个大马趴!

悲催的是,我摔倒的时候,竟然一头顶在了女友的皮 股​上,把她顶翻在了河沟 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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今天公交车上,感觉鼻子里好痒。好想挠一下,可是我是一个有形象的人呀!但是。真的忍不住了,就用手机挡着挖鼻屎,就在这时,旁边一个大妈说到:现在的年轻人呀,挖个鼻屎还要自拍呀!
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淦 版“腾讯”


楼下有个脑子不大明白的小哥哥,人特别善良可爱,就是有一点不好,每天一大早就拎着他妈妈跳广场舞用的大音响,在楼下放音乐,那高亢的:“在你的心上,自由的飞翔……”一响,都能把在睡梦中的我送走!今天早上不到7点又开始了,我拎着刀正准备夺门而出,我妈蹭的窜出来骂我:“自己懒还怪别人,你要是敢把这起床铃吓跑,我跟你没完!”
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对,就这样不许动


吃完饭到小区广场溜崽,和儿子差不多大的一个女娃特喜欢要我抱!
今天她奶奶和她妈带她,她一见我就伸出双手:抱,抱抱!……

她奶奶:这妮子,她爸爸抱她她不要,一见你就要你抱!!……
我:亲,她知道和谁亲!!……

特么,我的意思是抱多了,亲近…
可她奶奶看我的眼神明显不对了!!-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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真皮AK-47


今天隔壁单位老胡来找我,我刚好从三楼下来,正想打招呼时,他问:请问下,L正去哪里了?

我不禁纳闷,活生生的我在这,你问我哪里去了?
再看老胡,他不想赖玩笑的样子!

于是我回:不好意思,我刚调过来的,你说的L正在哪个办公室?长什么样子?!……

老胡看了看我:和你有点像,穿西装打领带,皮鞋雪亮的,胡子刮得干干净净,带眼镜……

我……可恶的二胎啊,我胡子长了,鞋子脏了,衣服不讲究了,就连熟人都不认识我了!……

我……还是我吗?!!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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心里所想都是路,目光所及都是车


中午在哥们家喝酒。
酒过三巡醉意浓,杯逢知己情义深!
我醉醺醺的向哥们抱怨说:我都三十好几了,还没有女友,颜值还可以,个子也不矮。收入稳定,有房有车。IQ EQ 也不低呀,为什么到现在还没有女朋友,交往一段时间就分了大哭[大哭]
这时候嫂子突然来了一句:Who made you short?-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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论时代造就的文化水平程度


打了个双黄蛋,我激动的和我爸说:你看这双黄蛋是不是寓意着我今年可能找到对象? 我爸说:也有可能寓意你今年得黄两个 生气了[生气了]
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/92.html
不管你提什么问题,老师都会教你哦
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