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00525第一眼看还以为是猪,再看都是人

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“翔砸,替我写作业。”“嗻!”……就差剧集,书籍和综艺了,我哥已经在看了


小姨昨晚说给我介绍一对象,今天要带来家里看看!老妈特别开心,叨咕着,能不能嫁出去就看这一个了……
这不,一大早上,跟着老妈去市场买菜,我拉着小车跟在老妈后面走,市场的人还真是很多,老妈也买了一大堆好吃的往我的小车上放,我就低着头玩手机,一不小心,我踩到一个人的脚,出于本能,连忙说声对不起,那人一边跳着脚,一边咧着嘴说没事儿,还关心的问我有没有硌到脚?
……我以为是我的春天来了,一抬头,居然是前男友……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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沃德田,这什么新潮?!


体检,么科候诊。。。。
无聊拍个视频发给老婆,配音是:都是成双成对的,就我孤身无人陪伴。
老婆秒回:你个傻子,难道那么大医院没有一单身女的,跟她坐一起去,谁会知道你们不是一起的。
我。。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


最近被“鲸落”刷屏了,小女儿对我说:妈妈,你知道鲨鱼死了叫什么吗?我随口一说不知道。女儿说:叫鲨掉。我: 你才是沙雕...沙雕!小女儿都急哭了,刚刚查一下真的是“鲨掉”
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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最近被“鲸落”刷屏了,小女儿对我说:妈妈,你知道鲨鱼死了叫什么吗?我随口一说不知道。女儿说:叫鲨掉。我: 你才是沙雕...沙雕!小女儿都急哭了,刚刚查一下真的是“鲨掉”
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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乍一看是猪,其实都是人。摄影:斯潘塞·图尼克


我特么心态崩了啊,,想上网买双鞋,同样的app,同样的关键字搜索,我手机搜出来的都是几十块钱一双的鞋,我媳妇手机搜出来的最低139,最后用我手机买的,,,,,这到底是闹哪样啊??
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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无法反驳


新换了个手机,心情美美哒。

儿子吵着要玩新手机,我也没多想,就给了他。我正忙着做菜呢,就听儿子在卫生间里叫我:妈妈快来,手机掉马桶里了!

我扔下锅铲,冲了过去。天呐!我的新手机上沾满了黄黄的色!我心疼的慌了,一把捞起来, 放在水龙头下拼命冲,拼命冲……

儿子推了我一把,一脸的生无可恋:妈妈,你手上粘了粑粑了,做的饭菜,还能吃吗??

​-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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想起我在读高三满十八岁的晚上,妈妈送了我一个杜蕾斯避孕套,外面写了这几句话。


我和朋友去胶州湾海边玩,特意选了个没人的地方,停好车,在海边各种自拍,开心极了。朋友说:太美了!真的好想永远留在这里啊!
我开玩笑说:我一脚把你踢下去,你就永远留在这里了。
朋友也笑了:还是我把你先踢下去吧!说完,踹了我一脚,竟然真的把我踹到海里了!
我慌了,挣扎着喊救命。朋友也是只旱鸭子,比我还慌张,喊了声:你等着!我找人来救你!就跑了。
难道我就这样没了?我还年轻,很多事还没有真正经历过!我不甘心!!我挣扎着,扑腾着,脚蹬手刨,心里充满了绝望!!
​奇 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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问闺蜜怎样才能在男神面前显得可爱?
闺蜜说:撒娇、卖萌、嘤嘤嘤、用叠词说话!
后来我照着闺蜜的话,把男神教的跟我一样了!
EMMMM……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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笑死了


五一放假了,一觉睡到自然醒,上午被窝,下午继续,看看电视,玩玩手机,挺开心地。
下午四点左右想起有份图纸要改,去公司拿图纸,看到办公室人都在,问他们怎么放假都在公司干嘛?
小吴抬头道:马叔你不知道吗?办公室是五月二号正式放假,今天加班三倍工资的,晚上还有会餐的。
不说了心里堵,一天的好心情没了。。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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疫情时期的洗礼


记得小学五年级时,有一天和一个比我高很多的人发生了矛盾,他扬言放学了要揍我!!……

快放学时,我在班主任的备讲夹里面放了张纸条……
班主任大怒,让每个同学都写一句话让他认……

很成功的让他留了下来……
可有些事,躲得过初一躲不过十五!

第二天上学路上,我如果不是最后关头咬住他耳朵不放,估计,街头的乞讨大军一定有我!!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


大学毕业三年,几个同学在班群聊天,聊的全是技术,java,xml之类。另一同学家里开厂,早早做上管理者,插不上嘴,心里很不爽,过了半天插了一句:本公司因业务拓展,招聘驾驶员一名,要求:4年java开发经验!顿时群里安静了……


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/44.html
京东5月24日618年中大促领券汇总
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