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00710清晨射在你脸上的不一定是阳光
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00710清晨射在你脸上的不一定是阳光

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同事突然心血来潮,动手做了一块牌子,上面写着几个大字:欢迎扇耳光,仅限美女!一耳光100元!

弄好后,兴冲冲的扛着去街上了……

这真的是一个来Q快的好办法!才两个小时,同事已纯赚800了!唯一的缺点是,脸肿得比他的屁 股还大,两排牙齿都松动了……


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风水轮流转


去年厂里军训!

教官喊:向右看齐!

大家纷纷扭头向右看齐,而同事小张200多斤,啤酒肚,教官看他在队伍中突出很多,也站不齐,忍不住望着小张骂到:都是腰 间 盘, 为何你如 此 突出?

小张惊讶的问:报告教官,请问你怎么知道我有腰 间 盘 突出?近期已经好很多了,以 前腰都直不起来!

现场一片笑声……


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这衣服有个性


闺蜜和我基本生活同步,衣服同款,鞋子同款,就是颜色不一样,养花也同款,就是她的不浇水也长的好,我的天天浇水反而老掉叶子。。。

不过最近反过来了,我的比她的花长的好。。。

昨天下楼买油盐酱醋,出了门忘记带钱,这回去,看到闺蜜把她的花​盆皲裂的土壳拿出来,把我花盆的上面的湿土放进她花盆,然后皲裂的土壳放进我花盆,然后把我花盆放进了她房间。。。


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这过弯有点急


都说不吵不闹不热闹,我和同宿一位师傅经常拌嘴,但都不往心里去。

前几天,揭了他的短,可能有点过头了,当晚空调被他调到最低。我自认为空调开与不开,调高或调低对我影响不大,虽然有点冷,但我还是忍受了几天。

直到今天打扫卫生的时侯,无意发现他床下面有个电热毯的插头。今晚趁他睡的正香,我果断的拔掉了空调插头。


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最大的套路莫过于奸商


辞职了,老公没有任何怨言,只说了句 : “ 没事我养你。” 当时各种感动。从来不管钱的我在家无聊就算了算,自从不上班省了交通费、饭费、电话费,化妆品、衣服、包包买的也少了,算完一看,辞职后家里攒钱比我上班的时候多了,这尼玛什么情况,终于理解他这么支持我辞职了!


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什么操作


小时候爸爸修电我拿了个小铁棍往插座里插,谁知道爸爸合闸了,我突然感觉头发立起浑身发麻疼痛还被电吸的紧紧的,爸爸一脚把我踹飞到地上,老妈回来看我躺地上浑身抽猝,爸爸说我在学人家犯羊癫疯,老妈抓起我又是一顿毒打!


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儿子垃圾


自从有历史这门学科开始,我就从来没及过格,可怕的是历史老师还不放过我,让我初中三年当了三年历史课代表,怎么求都没用,那种课代表还不及格的痛苦真是无以言表。

更更可怕的事,高中了,高中,历史老师不知道为啥又一眼就相中了我,又特么按着我当了三年历史课代表,而我。。。历史依然不及格。。。


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时代变了,什么名词都可以开车了


我妈这两天特别反常,对我很是温柔体贴。搞的我心里毛毛的,昨晚她又给我削了个桃递到我手上,我认真地问老妈,妈,您怎么啦?

我妈问,你有个同学叫梅晓慧吧?

是的,提起这个我就生气。当年她找我借了三百块钱,说好一个月后就还的。结果两个月过去了,她都不提还钱的事。我委婉找她要钱,她居然说早就还了!本来我很喜欢她的,但通过这件事,她的人品就暴露了,我就再不愿搭理她了。

高中毕业时她来找我,抱着我哭的梨花带雨的,我是个正人君子,真做到了无动于衷。这一直是我引以为傲之处!

我问老妈,你提她干嘛呢? …


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上学时老师跟我们讲过光合作用,说的是植物在阳光的照射下才能吸收养分

我最近发现,光合作用对人体器官也起着同意重要的作用

这不,戴了几个月口罩,我突然发现胡子有些已经发白了!而依然享受着阳光雨露的头发却一如既往的乌漆黑亮……


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学会了,老板叫我明天不用来上班


作者群有个作者,买彩.票中了一百四十万。

他在群里纠结,他还要不要继续写小说。

我们大家都劝他,“千万不要放弃写书这条道路,想想自己的初心,想想自己刚刚踏入网文界那份雄心壮志!”

“所以,请把阻碍你成神的那一百四十万,分给我们吧!”


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看起来真的很有礼貌哦


远房嫂子是一个东北大妞。长得五大三粗的。跟哥哥打架,哥哥像个小鸡仔似的,不管怎么扑腾都不是个儿!

有一回两口子从屋外打到了屋里,她老公爹看见了连忙进屋劝架,嫂子打红眼了,顺手薅住她老公爹的脖领子,把他从窗户里丢出去了。。。。

正好被路过的邻居看见了,从此她在我们村成了传奇!

谁也不敢惹


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神翻译


今天公交车上,感觉鼻子里好痒。好想挠一下,可是我是一个有形象的人呀!但是。真的忍不住了,就用手机挡着挖鼻屎,就在这时,旁边一个大妈说到:现在的年轻人呀,挖个鼻屎还要自拍呀!


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资本主义是否会走向灭亡


表妹果果毕业后来到温州工作,我老公说她聪明才智,很是赏识,准备重用她。由于表妹生得漂亮,关键一口一个姐夫一口一个姐夫的叫得我心慌,于是我自作主张把她推到隔壁一家公司去了。没想到她果然是个才人,还不到一年的时间就凭着自己的本事当上老板娘了。


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牛头人狂喜


办公室的单身吃货小胖妹趴在桌上,吐槽到今天连个红包都没收到。我说我给你发,我俩凑一对吧?她说好啊,快发。

我转账了5 2 0去她微 信。同事们都起哄恭喜。胖妹的脸红红的,我挺高兴的。

中午,胖妹拿着包薯片过来塞给我,说:“你还苦着脸啊?我也没办法…我刚才想着你的样子,居然没胃口吃东西。红包都退给你了,这包薯片也给你,你还赚了呢!”


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区别


自从把车开回家我就没花钱洗过,今天带着媳妇回娘家,到家后没坐多久就下起了雨,

媳妇一听雨声连忙喊道:老公快点把车开出去,外面下雨了……


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真•中国


你们买菜喊卖菜的老板,买麻辣烫喊卖麻辣烫的老板,买烧饼喊卖烧饼的老板,就连地摊上贴个手机 膜 也喊老板!

可为啥我花30多W买个拖拉机耕地,你们左一个师傅,右一个师傅!没一个人喊我老板???


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当下国剧,谜之相似


经理好像和老婆打架了,为什么说好像呢,因为他明明脸上有伤,但是面对大家的关心,他并不承认。直到他媳妇来送营养午餐,琴瑟和谐的景象下,嫂子站起来拿手机,他抬手护着头……哦……


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工期三个月,谈了两个半月,七天拿来做,七天还得改,最后一天推翻设计重来,又逼着上线


公司之前发了一批泡茶杯,为了防止茶水间和别人的杯子混了,我特地在杯子底部用标识笔划了一横。

每次喝水就很放心了,今天看到我那个位置泡的茶不见了,肯定是有人挪动,我就把相同的杯子都看了下底部,豁然发现,至少一半的杯子底部也划了一横。。。。


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/232.html
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