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00704幼儿园的性启蒙教育还是很有爱
原创福利

00704幼儿园的性启蒙教育还是很有爱

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在工厂做机械修理的时间,主管让我带他刚辍学的侄子!

带他的第一天,我给他说:下班别走,我俩要调机!!……

半个小时主管找到我:让你带下我侄子,你还要他请你“瓢机”??……

我……卧槽,我说的调机!!!……


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被发现了吗?


老家在偏远农村,还兴娃娃亲,这不我啥都不知道呢,到高三那年家里突然让我和指腹为婚的金曙光把婚礼办了。

我回过神来以后连忙让人打听一下这个隔壁村的金曙光是何许人也,结果噩耗传来,未来老丈人金二爷是隔壁村一霸,金曙光更是二百多斤重于泰山的千斤小姐。

我当时就开始怀疑自己是不是爹妈亲生的了,但是经九年义务教育武装过的头脑告诉我,哭闹是没用的,要智取。

于是我想起了村西头的阿获。

阿获是去年突然出现在我们村的,自称是过世好几年的王老头的亲戚,就这么在王老头留下的破屋住下。村里今天传他是逃 …


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现在的搜索引擎不得了


上高中那会儿,我想向暗恋的男生表白,可是有点害羞,, 于是同桌就给我出了一个主意,让我在他喝水的杯子里减肥药粉末,

那天晚上,看着他出去以后,然后我就抄了近路跑到厕所门口等着,然后对他说,我喜欢他,他脸憋的通红,一声不吭的跑进去了,

我正忐忑不安等他出来呢,教导主任却从里面出来了,把我叫到办公室,狠狠地批评教育了一顿……


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信任


我开公交车的,昨晚最后一趟已经十一点多了,终点站就剩一个女的,她下车的时候见我看着她,她阴森森的说道:你真的能看见我?吓死我了,我马上回道:你下快点,后面还有这么多人等着下车呢!最后那女的吓哭了,死活不肯下车,我现在还在写检查呢。


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恋爱


家里种了两亩多地的黄豆,天气预报说这几天有雨,我老爸让我和我哥俩给地 除 草,用锄头夸了有半亩地发现一个白色物体嗖的一下跑掉了,楼主嘀咕了一句:麻 蛋 的跑的比兔子还快”,我哥说:实在不行你配副眼镜吧,刚才跑的那就是兔子”


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恶心死了


媳妇昨天生日,我买了L-V包给她!这可是媳妇最想要的,花了我半天工资呢!

媳妇眉开眼笑,一边看着包一边问我,这是正品吗?我实说:正品!用了最好的牛皮!我看着皮具店老板娘亲手缝制的!那会有假?……


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我喜欢肛门


N年前,去割某皮,看到手术室里有个护士小姐姐!我直接对医生说:这咋还有女的啊?女护士说:怕啥,我见过的比你见过的都多捂脸捂脸搞了我一个大红脸。

最后大夫施工完成后,我准备出去,结果护士小姐姐大大咧咧的说:等会儿,给你贴个大纱布。在肚脐眼下,好像给你挂个窗帘,免得受风。

那护士姐姐老 流 氓了有没有。。。


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。。。


大清早,我开车到农村老家,对我爸说:爸,今天又是五一,又是您生日,祝你乐上加乐。

我爸头都没抬:别整那些虚的,节日红包、生日礼物,都拿出来吧。

我连忙掏出两百块:这是节日红包,至于生日礼物嘛,我打算接我妈过去我那,孙女想奶奶啊。

我爸一愣:这算哪门子生日礼物啊?我过生日,她去玩?

我嘿嘿一笑:您想想,这样您不就可以叫您那几个狐朋狗友,中午在咱家,炒几个小菜,喝点小酒,饭后又打点小牌。

我爸听后,喜笑颜开:这礼物好,我喜欢,还是你这臭小子懂我呀。


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陷入了沉思


我有个表弟,是表叔晚年得子,所以特别宠爱,我们都非常羡慕他!!

这表弟不持宠而娇,很得大家的认同!!!……

初二那年,表弟的一个发小溺水走了,他很伤心,他偷了他爸二十块钱,买了他发小一直想喝但没钱买的湘泉酒两瓶和一些纸钱……

表叔很生气:儿啊,我一天就赚几块钱,你说你偷老子的钱就为这?

表弟:爸,我烧给华子的,放心,过几年我给你加十倍……

特么,这表叔舍不得打自己的儿子,把当时在场的我打了一顿!!


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淋雨的狮子


在大概10年前,我在读大学,那时候天天刷糗百,类似现在的抖音,那时候好多糗事都是描述的上学时候的事。现在打开来发现,都是上班工作的事,带娃的事,相亲的事,不是我们变了,恰恰相反,当初玩糗事百科的那帮孩子长大了


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美团外卖,送死也快


5.20好像没啥特别的,搬砖照常搬砖。。

就是早上收到家里那口子的一个五百二的红包,正开心下半月零用钱有余了。

可是刚收了红包五分钟不到,她就发信息让我把520发红包还她。

我回她你这是脱了 裤 子放 屁多此一举吗?她:你知道个屁,这是给你长脸的,同事们都在朋友圈秀收到这样那样礼物的,知道你发不出520,所以才。。。。。

我。。。


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遇见卖服装的这样打广告,你有何见解?


云南出差,看到媳妇喜欢的民族服装,就用积攒了小半年的私房钱给媳妇买了一裙子,为了给她一个惊喜,就快递发回去。

出差结束,回去的路上看了下物流信息,裙子被签收了,到家后媳妇一看到我还手一伸说,你答应我的礼物呢?

我神秘一笑,别逗了,给你买的裙子你不是已经签收了吗?看到媳妇晴转阴的脸,我连忙拿出手机给她看,这时小妹正巧发了条语音:哥,裙子收到了,就是码数太大了,我有点罩不住,是不是拿给嫂子穿?

晕,我把地址姓名错发给自家小妹了……


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连树叶都给了你颜色


以前在某煤矿上挖煤的时候,洗澡房里用废轮胎支着二十口大铁锅,那就是我们戏称的“浴锅”了。大家都是蹲在锅边,用洗洁精擦洗干净身体上的煤尘,然后再爬进锅里泡。

十二小时的超强度劳动,碰到意外还要延长出井的时间,真的是又累又乏,所以我经常泡着泡着就睡着了。

烧锅炉的老头叫了我几次,烦了,就告诉了老板。老板叫电工装了个电铃在里面。。

在睡梦中被电铃吓出了几回水之后,我的拖延症不药而愈了。。。​


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我们的童年成了别人的历史


在广东打工,无意中知道厂里新来的文员妹子,本地人,家里很有钱,有几栋房子出租。

于是,立马热烈追求,死缠 烂打之下,妹子答应试着相处。

520那天,和她出去玩,天黑了就去开 了 间fang。为了让妹子相信我是正人君子,我睡地板,她睡 床 上。

第二天醒来,发现妹子不在了,留了一张纸条,说她这样一个漂亮妹子 睡 在 床上,我却没有行动,说明我很有心 机,爱的不是她这个人,而是她家的 房子 和 钱……


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优秀


伙计家嫂子是个热心肠,在个小饭店做帮工,跟老板挺融洽的,头几天老板让嫂子再给饭店找个帮忙的,说店里忙,人手少,再添个人手大伙都轻巧些。

嫂子马上回家在村里找了一个赋闲在家的闺蜜介绍给老板,老板也挺满意,当场就把嫂子的闺蜜留下了。

现在吧,嫂子的闺蜜在饭店上班了,嫂子让老板炒鱿鱼了……捂脸[捂脸]

数学老师曾对我说:这个年纪,有喜欢的人很正常。但是,最好藏在心底,不要太高调。如果,你想起她,就做一道数学题,等毕业时,把做满数学题的本子,放在她面前,告诉她,你有多喜欢她,不信她不感动,这个主意真的很好,当我做到第二题的时候,我就不那么想她了。


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现在幼儿园的性启蒙教育还是很有爱很温暖。


中午在哥们家喝酒。

酒过三巡醉意浓,杯逢知己情义深!

我醉醺醺的向哥们抱怨说:我都三十好几了,还没有女友,颜值还可以,个子也不矮。收入稳定,有房有车。IQ EQ 也不低呀,为什么到现在还没有女朋友,交往一段时间就分了大哭[大哭]

这时候嫂子突然来了一句:Who made you short?


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/224.html
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