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00627这样的条件你去接盘吗?
原创福利

00627这样的条件你去接盘吗?

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这个夏天热的可以,家里没空调只有风扇,晚上热的不行只好 裸 睡,第二天醒来发现150多只蚊子给我点赞了,而且还发了 红 包。


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狗东西


吃午饭的时候,老板抱着一沓纸箱壳子进来了,铺在我午休的单人床上,再铺好凉席,说这样躺着舒服点。
我感动得眼泪汪汪的,拉着老板的手,千恩万谢。
老板走后,同事看着我,羡慕的说:老板咋对你这样好啊?不会是想当你姐夫吧?!
我说:我哪有姐姐啊?只有两个哥哥!
刚说完,老板走了回来:我说小D啊!现在天气热了,垫得多​会起痱子的,刚才是我考虑不周!
然后,老板收好纸箱壳子,连凉席也一起抱走了。。​。


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这家店的小龙虾太辣了


经理五一带他家人出去度假了,要月底才回来。今早上我吃着面窝刚进公司,一个女同事急匆匆从休息厅出来,一看到我就说:“快点,经理的爸爸低血糖发作晕倒了,正好你来搭把手。”又恶作剧。我淡定说哪来的经理他爸,我还是他大爷呢。女同事说经理大清早回来的。
然后我差点被一口面窝噎死。经理从休息厅出来问:“我大爷不是在老家吗?他来了?”[捂嘴]


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估计都是自己看的


网恋了两年的男友来找我,他还是视频中的那么帅气,我也是一见倾心!
他见到我也是非常高兴!我们从天南聊到海北,有种相见恨晚的感觉!
中午带他吃了特色菜,酒足饭饱之后,我把男友带回家,前脚刚进门,老爸老妈就回来了……


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油泼面不假


酸菜饼,一个不够吃,两个又太多,我跟闺蜜唠叨这个事,闺蜜拍拍我肩膀,这事明早我来解决。。。
刚到办公室,闺蜜就给我拎早餐过来,说是给我买了一个酸菜饼,一大包,打开一看,整个大电饼铛烙的一个完整的千层饼,折叠起来,中间包着酸菜,足足三斤多。。。。


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没救了


以前工厂上班时的事,那时听说暗恋的女孩子和男友分手啦,我晚上借着酒劲来到女宿舍楼下,拿着吉他弹了几首自己写的情歌。
那女孩拒绝了我,而她男朋友听说这事以后,又来求她复合。
这事一传十十传百,几天时间我就成了厂里的笑柄,走在路上都有人指指点点。
后来这事传到了老板耳里,老板竟然认为我有才华,直接提拔我到了办公室。
而厂里最漂亮的小美,也认为我情歌写的好,时不时来向我讨教,慢慢的,她眼神从崇拜变成温柔。
卧槽,因祸得福啊……


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这就完了?


我和稞子抱怨:“唉,我以后绝对不会再找化妆的女人!”
稞子在一边给我削苹果:“怎么说?”
我:“她们涂在脸上的那一层层,能叫妆吗?明明是防护盾、AT力场、荆棘光环……”

稞子摇头晃脑:“哪有这么夸张?”
我:“还不夸张?我昨天就亲了一口,头昏胸闷反胃到现在!”
稞子放下苹果,沉思了一会儿:“我觉得和化妆品没关系。”
我吃力地扭过头看他:“为啥?”

稞子:“昨天道爷不是过来蹭饭嘛,你说他得给你打扫卫生才可以。”
我:“对啊,他还打扫得挺干净。”
稞子:“嗯,我看到他拿你的 …


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这样的条件你去接盘吗?


凌晨一点多,我起来上洗手间,洗手间的灯一开,入眼竟然是一条大的不可思议的老鼠在马桶里,四眼相对吓得我一声大吼,赶紧脱了拖鞋打它!
老鼠却一转头钻进了马桶洞里,我立刻打开马桶按钮冲水,冲了五分钟,觉得应该冲走了!马桶暂时不敢用了,就过去隔壁小丽家借用一下洗手间。
媳妇现在就想知道,我放着家里的洗手间不用,凌晨一点多去隔壁小丽家借用洗手间,会不会被小丽笑死?


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海军专用手表


晚上陪客户客户去KTV,叫了几个姑娘唱歌,没想到其中竟然有女助理!
女助理也认出了我,场面有些尴尬。
我对女助理说:“算了,你还是回去吧,我再换个人!”
女助理显得有些羞涩:“没事的,都习惯了…”
我:“拉倒吧你!全公司知道你唱歌会跑调!!”


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他叫林小六,我叫李小门!
他是我的师兄,也是我的死 敌!

我和他一个村,同年同月同 日也同命,都是贫苦人家的孩子!当年为了给家里减少压力,我们一起辍学,又一起拜师学艺—— 唱戏!

其实一开始师父只相中了他,说他嗓门清脆长得又俊秀,是个很好的唱戏苗子!
反观我,其貌不扬关键还是小短腿,用师父行话讲“李小门这家伙挑不起大梁”!

师父收下了他,然后挥挥手示意我:你从哪来,回哪去!
想到破败的家,还等我能赚来足够多的 前 去翻修房子。
我扑通一声跪在师父面前,支支吾吾也说不上话来,只是一个劲的磕头 …


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小朱啊,不,佩琦啊,奥不,小朱佩琦啊~


吃过早饭,老婆领着儿子与左邻右舍在家门口开起了大会!
期间,我听到老婆说:我家的地板我不扫没人敢扫!……
哎哟,我这牛脾气上来了很不服气,扭头回家拿起大扫把房间院子里里外外扫了一遍!
儿子看到对着开会的喊:都看看啊,我就说嘛,俺家还是我爸厉害,敢和我妈唱反调!!!

翻箱倒柜找到原来糗百活动送的车贴,打电话跟女友显摆:“亲爱的,你猜猜我今天找到了啥?”

女友:“亲爱的,刚想给你打电话,跟你说个事,我车子蹭花了抽空帮我网上看个车贴,补漆不划算!”

我拿着车贴感叹:这就是注定的吧!捂脸[捂脸]


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。。。


姑姑给介绍了个相亲对象,约定咖啡厅见面,我等了半个多小时,妹子才到。

一坐下就说:大叔,对不起啊,人家来晚了,您一看就比人家大,大人不记小人过,不会跟人家计较吧!

我忙摆手:没事没事,我也刚来一会,大姐,我看您看起来也不小了,谁比谁大还不一定呢,您哪一年的呀!

后来,就没有后来了………


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90后的女子与50后老汉,图啥?因为爱情? ​​​


昨天看到一个动态壁纸挺清新的,是一只漂亮的鸟,冲击水面抓鱼,马上设置到手机上,闺女一大早就拿我手机搜题目,刚打开就吱哇乱叫的把我手机甩了出去,大声喊:“妈妈你手机里有个尖嘴的东西向我冲了过来!”

现在我想问,手机屏幕多少钱能换好?


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我错了,原来她不光是黑,胖,变性,她的老婆也是变性,领养的孩子也都是lgbtqqia…感觉当模特可惜了,应该当总统。


在广东打工,租了一个小单间。昨天520,大晚上的,媳妇的一个闺蜜突然敲门进来,酒气熏天,哭个不停骂着渣 男。
一问才知道,她男友把她甩了,媳妇只有不停的安慰她。
谁知她说着说着就一头倒在我床上,蒙头大睡起来,我和媳妇瞬间蒙圈。
没办法,单间就一张床,将就着 睡 吧。
媳妇睡床中间,我睡另一边。半夜迷迷糊糊醒来,发现媳妇还拿着手机打农药。
我不禁问道:媳妇,不困啊?
媳妇:困。
我:那还不睡?
媳妇瞅了我一眼:不敢 睡着,怕。


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合肥一家影城地毯长蘑菇了


下班,和同事行色匆匆撞了个满怀。
我:去哪里那么急?
同事:急着下班回家做饭。
我:我也是呀。
三十分钟后,我们在同一个饭局上见面了。。。

九岁的时间,我们几个小盆友比狠,要大冬天在河里洗冷水澡……
二娃的爸一听,说他做裁判,带着我们就往河里奔!!

到了河边,衣服裤子一脱,我就瑟瑟发抖,说真话根本没勇气往河里跳,但二娃的爸说既然来了,大家都得跳下去!……

河边的风大,我们几个冷得话都说不出了,二娃的爸说你们怎么不跳?他抽着烟,裹着棉衣,根本感觉不到我们得疼苦!!……

看着他那嘚瑟的样子,我一冒火,在他面前直接跳到河里!……
说真话,在水里面感觉比外面还暖和点……

我跳下来后,大家都下来了……

可能大家和我的感觉一样,水里面 …


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/210.html
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