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00624女装大佬来了,你给谁打call
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00624女装大佬来了,你给谁打call

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昨晚几个初中同学一起喝茶,个个都叫苦,说带孙子孙女累,不带又不行,整个过程我一言不发,就是喝茶!!……

他们相互显摆完了后,其中一个问我:正哥,你一句话都不讲,过得好咯??

我……
我讲个毛线,你们个个不是带孙子就是带孙女,我特么……我儿子才一岁,我苦啊……--


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女装大佬来了,你给谁打call


老婆在一家上市公司上班,临近五一放假,公司搞了个抽奖活动,特等奖两名,香港七日游,她公司老总抽中一个,还有一个被我老婆抽中了,她手气也太好了,真TMD羡慕……


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加勒万河谷冲突事件来龙去脉。


到首都出差,联系当地的土著同学过来。
远看到她,好几年不见了,激动呀
我情不自禁:好久没看见你吖。。。
她楞了一下,确定的问:你丫?
我点点头:对呀,你吖。
她恼怒:你丫!
我激动:你吖,你吖。
她更激动:你丫!你丫!你丫。。。
然后不知怎么了,她和我扭打起来了。。。--


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32时速的大巴掌


我放下镶满钻石的银烛台,打开小金库,抓起一块金砖,咔嚓咔嚓,几下子就嚼碎咽下去了……一连吃了八块,才勉强吃出了一点味道,类似于压缩饼干那种,还有点粘牙。
我还想再拿,被老婆一脚从床上踹了下来,骂我:你要S啊!​大半夜的,笑得像夜猫子叫一样,吓人不?!
我躺着不动,绝望的说:金砖啊!我的金砖啊!被你一踹,全没了!!
老婆气得从床上跳下来,用脚踩着我的脸,大吼:你有狗P的金砖啊!门外烂砖头倒是有一堆!!​
我这才清醒过来。特么的,这婆娘,太霸道了!连梦都不让人好好做一个!!
我灰溜溜的从地上爬起来, …--


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都是好汉


结婚前,老丈人托媒人捎话给我,叫我找辆大一点的车去迎亲,说是要打发(陪嫁)点东西,来“装枕头”(也就是送亲)的人也很多……

结果到了那天我才发现,车找的太大了:八米长的平板车货厢里,就只拉了一个梳妆台和跟我去迎亲的一男一女……--


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马云那么多钱,可以分我一点吗?


听一个朋友讲她的故事:前年冬天,得了抑郁,割腕以后痛得心慌,打个出租去医院,捧着手狂哭,司机后座被她弄得全都是血,到了医院还带她去处理,生意都不要了,带着她去吃了一顿饭,他一边哭一边说:“十来岁的小姑娘,人生路还长呢,千万别冲动,千万别学我女儿。

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我考试前都是吃两个鸡蛋加一根香肠


1、我是个很招桃花的体质。
本身颜值就不错加上很会说情话身边有很多爱慕我的女孩。
这天很烦躁的我找到大师问:大师,为何我到哪都能吸引到女孩。
也有很多有了男友还追我的女孩,我该怎么办才好。
大师听完,看了我一眼,扑通跪下了。
我说道:大师,你的意思是让我跪下思过。
大师含泪说道:不,请收我为徒!

2、前不久我们部门内来了一个运营经理。
我仔细一看居然是我刚离婚不久的前夫。
我俩上班时就当做不认识,这天我在加班时,他让我去趟办公室。
他问我:你是不是对我有意见啊,感觉你每天都对我爱答不理的!
我 …--


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一颗不带血的人类心脏。

现在知道为什么人们那么喜欢吃荔枝了吗?(不是) ​​​


天气热,想约男神去旅游。男神问都带什么,我害羞的说:有你就行了。第二天他托人带了个礼盒给我,说这是有他照片的团扇,他没空,但他的照片与我同在…


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打了个双黄蛋,我激动的和我爸说:你看这双黄蛋是不是寓意着我今年可能找到对象? 我爸说:也有可能寓意你今年得黄两个 生气了[生气了]


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猥琐下流还你吗自以为幽默风趣


上次去看姨姥姥,中午吃完饭大表舅要去上班,他知道我一会要去客运站坐车回家,就问我几点的车,可以开车顺路载我去。我一看时间差不多了,就跟着走了。
到了客运站才发现,我记错时间了,距离发车还有两个小时。我买完票,闲着没事干,心想客运站离姨姥家也不算远,我就又溜达回去跟姨姥姥唠嗑了。
后来大表舅着急忙慌回来取公文包,,,,四目相对的那一刹我俩都有些尴尬。--


老师辛苦了


十周年厂庆,老板请大家去大酒店里搓了一顿。我喝多了,急着去洗手间,竟然看到厂里的美女同事小文醉倒在洗衣池下面,人事不省。
我摇了摇小文,又叫了几声,小文毫无反应。我只好弯腰把她抱起来,踉跄着向外走。
刚到洗手间门口,她老公找来了,大骂一声,上来就打……
我抱着小文,不好还手,只好连连后退,一边叫:你听我说!你听我说!……
小文好S不S的,偏偏在这时候醒了过来,搂着我的脖子,在我脸上亲了一口:老公,我们回去吧!不要理那个疯子!!!
我惊呆了!……--


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腊。。。腊肉口味的雪糕?


在店门口卖呆,看见媳妇放在地上的跳绳,就拿起来练练,才跳了四十多个就觉得呼吸不畅浑身乏力。
这特么还能行吗?半年前跳二百个也没喘得这么厉害,身体素质下降的这么快么?
媳妇出来一把撸下我的口罩:你也不怕憋死!--


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真实


感冒,去卫生院里吊盐水。推着小医疗车进来的是两个二十出头的小伙,刚分下来实习的。
给我扎针的小伙手一直在抖,直到平稳的把针扎进我的血管,固定好,看着盐水顺利滴进去,小伙才松了口气,抬起手背擦额头上的冷汗。
我好奇的问他:你害怕什么啊?
小伙苦笑着说:如果把你打疼了,被你大骂一顿,就不好了!
我哈哈大笑:我有这么恐怖么?
小伙差点哭了:大爷,求求你了!你不要笑好不好?你一笑,我更害怕了!
卧槽!谁是你大爷?我有那么老么??人家也才三十多一点点……而已!!​--


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同事的床在空调对风口处,最近高温,空调开的比较多,但同事说开太久会冷,晚上就只定时一两个小时,结果半夜我总被热醒,一身汗,我嫌她瘦,不抗冻。
这么下去也不是办法,于是跟同事商量交换位置,同事答应了,她说:这样的话以后空调你想开多久都行,反正你比我壮不怕。
一星期​过去,我突然意识到有些人胖也许是虚胖,这几天,我不是在忙着打喷嚏就是在擤鼻涕,算了,不硬抗啦,买药去……--

前任大婚,为了不丢面子租了个空姐当女友,带去后,前任没多大反应, 但是新郎的脸都绿了,后来才知道,这空姐是新郎多年的爱而不得!


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网友回到家发现儿子就这样睡着了。


本人开锁换锁的……割
前几天帮一个新买房子的业主换指纹锁,因为门孔不对需要改,差不多用时两个小时左右,我去的时候业主在跟收废品谈价格要把一套沙发和床卖了,收废品老板那意思是这个不收,而且太大不好搬运,女房主也是觉得东西太大钱不钱额无所谓帮着弄下去,哪怕扔了都可以。
最后谈妥的价格是房主出200元,收废品的老板把一套沙发大概四五个小的组合的,两个大床搬走。期间收废品老板进进出出搬导致我总是要让进度有点慢。
最后终于装好我出来小区门口发现收废品老板又以床380一张,沙发一套550的价格在门口卖掉了。 …--


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