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00623哈哈哈,开车了
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00623哈哈哈,开车了

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老婆说她的初中同学岁数都比我小,但是个个都有车有房有票子,问我有什么?
我脱口而出:我有病!要不然,怎么会娶你当老婆!!
看到老婆脸色一变,我立马跳起来,往外就跑。老婆在后面追着喊:你别跑!你站住!
我跑得更快了,边跑边回头挑衅她:男子汉,大豆腐,说不站住,就不站住!
然后,就听呯~的一声大响,我一头撞在电杆上了。。。​--


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2020年中总结


初二上学期开学第一天,班主任宣布重新选举班委,无记名投票那种。因为刚上初中的时候,班委是他任命的。
唱票的结果,让我差点把下巴惊掉在了地上:全班五十个学生,倒有四十个选我当学习委员!
看着班主任哀怨的眼神,我忙推辞说:肯定是弄错了!不行,重新选!!
唱票的同学很无语:同学一年了,你的名字我会不认识??
我差点哭了:为什么是我啊?我又不是全班第一名!
同桌站起来,大声说:谁说你不是全班倒数第一名,我跟他急!!
我。。。我特么竟然成了史上第一个学习成绩倒数第一的学习委员!!!--


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汉堡王的学生套餐,这什么鬼套餐,爷不吃了


超市酸奶快到期了打折,就买了几板,跟儿子说快过期了,让他快点喝!没一会同事来玩,我就拿给她喝,同事客气,一个劲地推让,儿子拿了几瓶酸奶,塞到同事手里,笑着说:阿姨别客气啦,快喝吧快喝吧,再不喝就过期啦!
同事拿着酸奶,一脸尴尬……--


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有点道理


晨练时扭伤了脚,二货赶忙翻冰箱说是受伤初期要冷敷,正琢磨家里也没有冰袋呀……
“要海鲜味的还是水果?蔬菜?牛肉?……”二货捧着袋装的冻扇贝丁、南瓜碎、树莓和牛肉急匆匆拿来给我选……--


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新时代的变态


女儿夜里发烧,急忙打车和媳妇奔医院!
车里,女儿身体不适哭闹不休!司机火大,抱怨我们不会哄小孩,偷来的吧…
司机态度恶劣道:摊上你们这样的父母,我都快烦S了…
我抓住他话里的语病,反唇相讥道:
乖儿子,你别烦!--


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这有点狠..致命打鸡。。。 ​​​


以前喜欢上了本厂的一个女工,不敢表白,就央求当质检员的表哥帮忙撮合下,并且托他捎去我写的好几封情书!。。
几年后,我去表哥家看望二姨和二姨父。表嫂,也就是那个女工,抱​着他们三岁的儿子,说起了他们的罗曼史,盛赞表哥文笔不错,当年写的情书如何如何板扎,深深打动了她的心!然后声情并茂的背诵了几大段给我听。。
我惊呆了!特么的,那不是当年劳资写的吗,怎么变成表哥的了?!。。。​--


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这个设计怎么样?3个人同时上厕所,你们会聊些什么? ​​​


跟老公是网上认识的,他很内向,而且也不会聊天,于是他用一个女号加了很多男生,那些男生怎么撩他,他就怎么撩我,后来我就被他劫到手了


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摆摊卖这个不尴尬吗?


初中时我把一个女生惹哭了,我怕她告诉老师,我就找了个隐蔽的地方给她磕了个头[捂脸]


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得到新宠物的弟弟,满脸都写着开心


家里有一颗花椒树!
有时做饭时,老婆就会摘点花椒当调料!
这天中午,由于农忙,饭做的有点晚,老婆急急忙忙的去摘花椒,不小心被花椒树上的乱刺把脸上划了几道 血 痕 !
老婆说儿子:看你吧,一点也不知保护妈妈,花椒树都把你妈妈脸划破了,也不管管!如果你爸爸在家的话,掂着刀都把花椒树砍了!
儿子:那当然咯,你是我爸的老婆嘛!!!--


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跟同事吃饭期间聊起婆媳问题,我说估计是婆媳之间,没有共同话题,所以婆媳之间很难相处。
我同事说他媳妇跟他妈妈共同话题多了去,我妈还是不待见我媳妇...
我说不会吧!
我同事:对啊,亏她们之前还是高中同窗...
我…--


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确实


今天晚上不知道怎么突然想吃饺子了!还剩一个饺子的时候我准备买单,于是我喊道:小姐姐,打包捂脸[捂脸]


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。。。


本人现在做点小生意,怎么说呢,也算小有成就吧。平时买个袋子,买件T恤都要花个十万,八万糗币的。

之所以如此成功,不得不提表叔对我做生意的第一次启蒙教育。

那还是初中时,我寄宿在表叔家。他在镇上开了一家理发店,表叔心灵手巧自学成才,会磨推剪刀头,会修电吹风,就连洗发水,烫头的药水都会自己调配。

附近别的理发店有什么坏了都拿过来修。他的口头禅就是:人家都能造出来,我还不会修吗?

当然镇上也不单单只有理发店,也有两家只洗头,洗面装修很好的美容店。那天吃饭时,就有两个美容店的小妹从三轮车上抬下一 …--


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小杜杜的文案,有人怀疑吗?


上午参加一个公司的开业庆典!
坐我边上的一位大姐在给另一位大姐说投资,我听了半天,应该是类似比特币这种!……

这位大姐说话很有激情和煽动性,她:财富来于自己的努力和机会把握,现在加入你只要投入三万八,但十天或者一百天后你可以收入三十八或三百八十万,前面看起来是亏,但你不亏我不亏怎么可能赚呢?我们玩的就是现在亏,但时间会让我们赚钱,如果连亏的勇气都没有,怎么可能有赚钱的机会?

我插了句话:如果投资一个项目,首先就是玩亏,而核心概念就是让人亏,而止亏的核心是让后面来人的亏来弥补自己的亏,那不是明 …--


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吃人是犯法的


当年我自驾游的时候,压死了一头羊,羊的主人好热情,宰了羊给我们吃,还送我们到火车站,在回来的路上,看着火车外的风景,真的好感人。


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哈哈哈,开车了


五一放假了,一觉睡到自然醒,上午被窝,下午继续,看看电视,玩玩手机,挺开心地。
下午四点左右想起有份图纸要改,去公司拿图纸,看到办公室人都在,问他们怎么放假都在公司干嘛?
小吴抬头道:马叔你不知道吗?办公室是五月二号正式放假,今天加班三倍工资的,晚上还有会餐的。
不说了心里堵,一天的好心情没了。。。。--


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怎么办,在线等


闺蜜打电话告诉我:“我太可怜了,还有两天过试用期,被辞退了!”我安慰她:“并不是你不好,这都是省工资的套路,乖,此处不留爷自有留爷处!”人家又回我:“其实也不怪人家辞退我,刚上五天班,请假三天拍婚纱照,啊,对了,我对象说被辞退了他养我,今天下午去给我买个金手镯,你陪我去看看?”


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/198.html
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