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00619至今单身的原因找到了! ​​​
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00619至今单身的原因找到了! ​​​

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重要通知:各位谁在5月份找我谈恋爱,六月份我就能去给你家割麦子,九月份帮你家掰玉米,不要心疼我,我农村长大的,干活猛得很。


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掀起大海的一角~”1/1000 秒快门拍摄的海浪


同事失恋了,叫我陪他喝酒!
我这个人不太会安慰人,只好一杯一杯的陪他喝,五十四度的大半瓶下肚,我觉得我再喝就醉了……

回家路上,突然看见三个月不见的女朋友站在前面,我打招呼竟然不理我,很生气……

我跑过去想拉她回家,但三个月不见的女朋友好像换了个人一样,不说话就算了,力气还大了,我怎么拉都拉不动……

一气之下,我给了她两耳光……

别说了,到现在手都还疼,原来是我喝醉了,我看见的女朋友是根电杆!!……

同事说,他不打晕我,估计我手就废了!!……


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吃了没文化的亏


人逢喜事精神爽,接到正式通知,我这个千年老二转正了!!……
虽然内心无欲无求了,但在这突然来的惊喜面前,我还是掩饰不住内心的激动……

老朋友老同学老兄弟准备一个一个通知,庆祝下!!……

砰,屁股上挨了一脚:崽饿了,泡奶粉去!……

现实照进梦想,我……我特么是做了个梦!……


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天杀的老板


儿子期中考试时,生物卷十分钟就答完了。
得了98分。
今天老师讲卷子,儿子说:我怎么感觉老师讲的这些题我都没做过呢?


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我对朋友很好的!不信你看


碰见十年前大学营销老师,我记得十年前他激情有梦想,而现在夹着一个公文包,步履蹒跚,我不禁感伤。。。
风生水起,西装革履,这货却松开他polo 衫的脖子边纽扣,大大咧咧说:这酒是不能再喝了,昨天和老朋友喝多把腿都碰伤了,哎呦疼,喝多了我把路虎不知道停哪里了,,,,
听到他这么说,我只好掏出了保时捷钥匙放桌子上了。。。
钥匙我还是买的起的。。。


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看了几秒,老实交代


每次和老婆吵架,她都要回去告诉她爸妈,然后老丈人第一时间骂上门来,说我敢把他姑娘逼 S了,他一定叫上一车人来,把我家全部踏平,如何如何!

说的次数多了,我也就忍不住了,怼了老丈人一句:寻 S 觅 活没有必要,如果实在过不下去,一个字,离!!

看着老丈人吃瘪的样子,我哈哈大笑,醒了。。

这下悲催了!老婆非要我交待在梦里是不是讨媳妇了,说不给她个满意的答复,不让我从榴莲上爬起来。。。


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得不到爱情的正派男孩 ​​​


那年干工地,活干完了,该回家时,老张让我陪他去理发!
应老张的要求,我们找了家装修很普通的小理发店!
理完又染了下,老张照了照镜子,问:师傅,多少钱?
理发师:连剪带染共50元!
老张不满的说:我这头发中间掉的都成了溜冰场了,可以说只剩下半个头有头发了,应该半价吧?
我……!!!


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至今单身的原因找到了! ​​​


媳妇打电话说闺蜜小丽来做客,让回去烧饭。
我一听要给媳妇长脸,就买了媳妇爱吃的西瓜,菠萝等,觉得还不够,又咬咬牙把私房钱拿出来买了两个哈根达斯。
回家小丽看到果然很开心,媳妇沉着脸,等小丽走了媳妇发火:二狗子,明知道我这几天特殊时期,你买哈根达斯这些几个意思?特么我看你是特意给小丽买的吧?今天不说出你俩的关系我和你没完!
卧槽,好心又被驴踢了……


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虎落平阳被犬欺


小时候我跟弟弟特别喜欢看七龙珠。一次考试没考好老妈追着我打,我跑的特别快一天撞电杆上了当场晕倒,我妈吓哭了。我以为自己要完了,就正重的告诉我妈一定要让我弟弟集齐七颗龙珠召唤神龙把我复活!


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哈哈哈哈,君子报仇。十五年也不晚!  


我有个朋友是理发师,自己开了个店。这人从小心慈,扫地恐伤蝼蚁命的那种。
这天晚上,他放在内室里的捕鼠笼里,关到了一只半大的灰老鼠。朋友也没多想,提着笼子,像往常一样来到镇外,把老鼠放生了!

第三天晚上,那只老鼠竟然又回来了,而且遍体鳞伤,腿还断了一只!
朋友不忍心了,只好拿出消毒液帮老鼠全身消毒,把它的断腿固定好,放在捕鼠笼里养着……

老鼠腿好后,朋友再次把它送到更远的地方放了……

可是邪门的是,过了几天,那该死的老鼠还是回来了,进门就冲着朋友吱吱乱叫,似乎是在抗议什么!
朋友没招了,彻夜 …


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。。。


老公回来看到十多盆将死的花,质问我咋养的?
我说:不你说的三角梅半个月浇一次水吗?
谁知他说:我的姑奶奶,这天热了你不知道吗?
捂脸


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和网恋女友终于奔现脱单了,晚上陪女友看电影的时候哥们突然发信息过来说:
你真的不爱我了吗?你知道我有多爱你吗?你太狠心了。。。
正在陪女友看电影的我信息都懒的回。这不直接视频打过来,我又拒接了。
拒接后又开始腹肌秀,还说你不是最喜欢我的腹肌吗?现在怎么了!
在他们不断骚扰下我关机了。。。
第二天我窝火的问昨晚是怎么回事?不知道我网恋女友奔现吗?????
一开始哥们他还不知道发生了什么,直到他看了聊天记录才说:他分手一个礼拜了,太想前女友喝多了, …


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天王老子来了也是没赚会死


给小侄子的儿童节礼物终于到了,让老公帮忙拿下快递却被他劫道了。

还说自己童心未泯,我看是智商和我幼儿园的侄子一样一样滴。。。


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暗中观察是俺了


我们寝室里面有一妞,家里面托人带了10斤桔子。他不在,大家开始偷吃,结果偷吃的人越来越多,最后十几个人竟然把桔子吃完了。大家面面相觑,最后干脆一不做二不休,把整个袋子和便条都毁尸灭迹了。这妞过了一个礼拜才疑惑的问:“我妈给我带的桔子怎么还没


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过于真实


公司小刘升职了,我和同事达哥聊起这事。
达哥:小刘这人脸皮厚,上次打球,他一直给老总喂球,让老总成为全场得分王!
我:人之常情,这有啥!?
达哥:...他和老总不是一个队的!!


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有点道理


早上出门的时候,看到闺女没戴口罩,我就问她:“你口罩呢?”她说:“没拿上来,放车里了。”
到了学校,我进了校门,刚想往里走,同事叫住我:“你闺女口罩呢?”我一看,闺女没戴口罩,怪不得今天没走我前面,原来口罩也没在车里,同事一边给了她一个备用口罩,一边说:“你这个爸爸,太不称职了,他忘了提醒你了是吧?你看他都没忘记自己戴口罩,就忘记你的了……”

我……


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/183.html
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