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00614男朋友和女朋友的用处
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00614男朋友和女朋友的用处

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闺女放学又拉着我打羽毛球,打了半个多小时,这孩子开始起高调。非要一局五毛钱的。嘿我这暴脾气!在赢了她五块钱之后她来了这么句话:我算看出来了,就因为五毛钱你跟我来真格的,这要是一块钱的你指不定怎么拼命呢……我…


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流弊


“少壮不努力”的上一句是什么?


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99%的努力 VS 1%的天赋


剃须刀坏了,网购的今天才到,下班拿回来儿子问这是干什么用的?
我神秘的指着下巴说:干什么用的?你明天就看不到它了。
儿子一下子抱着我的腿哭了起来:老爸,你别想不开啊,我以后再也不把你藏私房钱的事告诉老妈了……


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wc 前面还很666,结局就悲剧了[摊手] ​​​


工作鞋坏了,扔了舍不得,就拿去修修。
提着鞋问:师傅这鞋修好多少钱?
师傅:八块。
我:平时不是四块的吗?
师傅:加四块口罩钱。
我:疫 情 期间还加收口罩费?
老师傅:不不不你想多了,跟疫 情无关,不戴口罩,我无法帮你修这鞋子。


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疫情结束去跟女朋友见面的你[二哈] ​​​


驱车千里回家,只为给爸妈一个惊喜。结果发现老爸站在门口,他怎知我要回来?
看见我他很开心,然后又苦着脸解释:我又忘带钥匙了,进不去……
正说话时,老妈刚好下班回来! 她看见了我,“呀”一声冲来,紧紧抱了我一下!

老妈明明很开心,却板着脸问我:
你这S孩子,怎么回来了?外面风大,你们怎么不进屋?
老爸尴尬地挠挠头:
因为我忘带钥匙了,所以…

老妈白了他一眼,接过话茬:
所以你就把千里之外的儿子,
叫回来给你开门?打脸


4yfj3w5xmb2i21ybb0v9j69r3.jpg

一个是假爸爸,一个是亲爷爷 ​​​


女人无理取闹起来真的是没有办法,打又不敢打,说又说不过,你说一句,她十句等着你。
什么不上进啊,做事不仔细啊,你看那谁家的谁,人家怎么怎么样。

晚上五点半必须到家,你晚了五分钟就会追着问,干嘛去了,这么晚才回。拜托,五分钟业,我能去干啥。

我玩会手机游戏吧,也不行,说对眼睛不好,自己一刷就是一两个小时的,笑得咯咯的,有时饭都忘了做。

更无语的是作业,不弄到晚上十一二点别想休息,稍有愿言,立马反脸。
唉,累,真的好累……

全文摘自于我朋友小学三年级儿子的日记,我连错别字都没改!


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???


清明节那天,同事去给他老爸上坟。想起子欲养而亲不在,想起他老爸在世时的种种不易,同事悲从中来,忍不住放声大哭。

就在同事哭得头昏脑胀的时候,突然听到从坟 墓​后面传来了一个男人的哭声,声音听起来很熟。

同事吓得跪在地上,呯呯呯的直磕响头:爹啊,大白天的你出来干啥呢?回去吧!求你了!!

一个男人提着香火纸烛之类,从墓后走了出来,边走边哭:哭你爹的头啊!舌根子这么长,把老 子都哭哭了!!​

同事一看来人,脸当时就垮下来了:二叔,人吓人,是会吓死人的!!​
他二叔一听就火了:我来给我哥上坟,关 …


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一本书就可以让色狼远远的 get ​​​


路过一家包子店,看见一个中年妇女正在乞讨。老板对服务员说:去给阿姨拿几个包子,免费的。中年妇女说:大善人您人真好,我不怎么饿,你还是给我几块钱吧!包子铺老板说:大姐,对不住啊,咱这儿就是一包子铺,你往前走,五十米处就是银行,那儿是管钱的……


splice_5149142.png

警察暴力镇压新冠患者


今天母亲节,我跟我妈说:我转两千块给你!
妈说:不用,钱你留着!
我翻着手机:跟谁两呢...
我妈:真不用!我手机里还有!费那劲干嘛?
我:奇怪,我找来找去咋找不着你?要不...
我妈:叫真心无悔那个名的就是我...


IMG_20200614_123702_209.jpg

看走眼了


去年11月回家休假,钱包掉火车上了,出站查票才发现的,因为是终点站,回去找乘务员正在打扫卫生,我睡的那个卧铺格挡找遍了没找到。
就留了联系方式给工作人员,回家就补办身份证。忙到下午,接到一个陌生女人电话,说是捡了我的钱包,钱包里有买手机时候开的发票,上面有我电话,才找到我的。还托班线车司机给我送回来。
千恩万谢好感动,拿到钱包之后我再次联系她:好心的姐姐,你把微信号给我,我给你转五百块的感谢费吧!
姐姐说,加微信就行了,也是缘分,钱就算了,实在过意不去就没事陪姐姐聊聊天,姐姐最近刚刚离婚,心里不 …


IMG_20200614_123845_659.jpg

父爱如山


昨天看到一个动态壁纸挺清新的,是一只漂亮的鸟,冲击水面抓鱼,马上设置到手机上,闺女一大早就拿我手机搜题目,刚打开就吱哇乱叫的把我手机甩了出去,大声喊:“妈妈你手机里有个尖嘴的东西向我冲了过来!”

现在我想问,手机屏幕多少钱能换好?


1592117994633.jpeg

有什么问题么


拿起老爸买的高端食材,我滔滔不绝道:鹌鹑蛋,治风湿,强筋骨,补气益血…
侄子崇拜道:叔叔,你咋知道这么多? 我说:因为我脑子里装了浏览器!
侄子问为啥装那玩意,老爸绑着围裙从厨房出来,蹲下身来摸着侄子脑瓜道:
别信你哈儿叔的,这可是王八 蛋呢!
老爸白我一眼,又对侄子道:因为你叔脑子有坑,不装点玩意进去咋填平呀?[doge]


40f3fnlaksz3av7g08gvccv04.jpg

我也要摆地摊去


半夜媳妇牙痛,痛的受不了,大喊大叫!家里又没有止痛药。我上网查了快速止痛的方法,就是把牙痛的蛀牙给拔了,一劳永逸!
我找了把 大钳子,准备给媳妇拔牙,不成想,媳妇突然抢过大钳子一下子把我敲晕了……


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男朋友和女朋友的用处


和老妈闲聊,我说:据说每个人都是个半圆,在世上寻找另一个半圆,找到了就圆满了!
老妈盯着我仔细看了好一会,摇了摇头,对老爸说:老头子啊,昨天约那个相亲的,推了吧,人家都是半圆在找半圆,咱儿子这么圆了,他自己就已经圆满了呀!还找啥!


6icewlwq6cbbt1aej0wzh5v4x.jpg

你上学的时候班上有专门记录这个的人吗? ​​​


小时候,家里的 针 管 扔的东一个,西一个,到处都是,弟弟经常拿着玩,有一次不小心扎到手了,疼的弟弟哇哇大哭,于是我把所有的 针 尖全部用磨 刀 石磨平了!后来再没扎到过弟弟!
倍感欣慰,直到有一天,老爸给家里养的几头猪打 针 时才发现针 尖 都没了,把我兄弟俩喊来,骂到:老实交待,你们俩谁把 针 尖 弄没得?
弟弟笑着说:我知道,是我哥全部用磨 刀 石磨没的!
那天记得老爸把我 吊 着用皮 带 打 的!


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海外防疫日记


IMG_20200614_173050_147.jpg

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