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00613别怕鸭,有我
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00613别怕鸭,有我

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鼻炎犯了,难受得很,头痛得我躺在沙发上哼哼,老妈看了心疼,说给我找了点药,她给我滴点药。没一会,鼻子里就被滴入了点药水,清清凉凉的,还挺舒服,我问老妈哪买的药,是不是texiao药,老妈没说话,把手里的药瓶子塞我手里,我一看,眼药水,我疑惑地问老妈:妈,你刚刚给我滴的是这个药水吗?我不是鼻炎吗?滴眼药水干嘛!
老妈手一挥,大声说:反正都是炎症,眼药水能消炎,可以滴眼睛为啥就不能滴鼻子了?这瓶眼药水给你了,我又买了个新的!对了你抓紧点用,还有十几个小时就过期了啊!


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网友在李白墓看到一堆酒瓶子,想来他也是很快活的,一千年多年过去了还是有人陪他喝酒,想想就觉得很有豪气 ​​​


昨天和媳妇逛街路过肯德基,我问她吃汉堡吗?媳妇要说不吃我就买1个,她要吃的话,我就买4个!并不是我有多能吃,因为爷们就是要在气势上,饭量上超过媳妇!
最后的最后,我静静的看着媳妇一个人在吃双人份的羊肉火锅,而我手里拿着4个汉堡还没吃完……


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哈哈哈哈哈哈承包了一天的笑点呀[允悲] ​​​


我和闺蜜去玩,后来逛累了,买了一辆自行车,我载着她回到我家!
闺蜜在楼下打电话,我先上楼,老公看着我骑着自行车回来,纳闷问道:你不是和你闺蜜开车出去玩的吗?
我的天,我居然忘了我开车去的!刚想跟老公解释,闺蜜兴匆匆跑上楼对我老公说:
姐夫,姐姐今天带我去玩,我们还一起打牌了呢。
老公不可思议看着楼下自行车,对我说:
你是说,你打牌输得把车都给当了?


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哈哈哈哈艺高人胆大 ​​​


想学人家跟朋友去野餐,刚把野餐布铺好东西放上,大爷就来问我苹果多少钱一斤[捂脸]


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一网友说一道圣光照进了他家马桶,这是召唤之光,说不定马桶里有什么异兽要出来 ​​​


要买罩,想咨询客服一些问题,于是就问:在吗亲?本以为那边会回复:在呢亲!有什么问题可以帮您?谁想那边竟然说:骚货~要哪款!


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wc 碰到什么了??[费解] ​​​


舅子发来微信,叫我给他转五百块,他请客吃饭没人钱买单!
我想想就把他发的微信直接转给老婆,叫她转!……

五分钟,老婆发来微信,她在友谊买衣服少了六百,叫我快点转过去!……

一个小时后,无意中打开舅子的朋友圈:姐姐真好,我要五百,给了六百,家人就是比外人靠谱!!……

我……


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队医:小伙子,演技不错啊 ​​​


感冒后喉咙嘶哑,一直不好,我一怒之下剪了个板寸!……

今天堂哥相亲,他求我去帮他参谋参谋,我想想能吃白食就去了!!……

回家还没坐十分钟,伯母过来埋怨:你说你跟着过去干嘛?现在人家姑娘看上你了……

我……


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。。。


我也不知道是什么原理,小时候倒了一杯开水放桌子上,我嫌烫想等会再喝,没想到它自己滑地上摔碎了。
听到动静,老妈过来劈头盖脸就是一顿揍。
我很委屈,边挣扎边大声争辩:真不是我弄的,它自己掉下去的。
为了弄清楚为什么,我又倒了一杯,这次它一动不动,真是邪 门了,我亲自用手模 拟了它的活动轨 迹,在桌子上滑 来 滑 去,正玩得不亦乐乎,抬头看见了老妈冰冷的眼神。


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为什么不按套路出牌 ​​​


那年,在广东谈了个外省女朋友,第一次去她家的时候,明显看出她父母不太欢迎我。
中午吃饭时,桌子上就摆了一盘清炒藕片,一碗水煮蛋(连蛋壳一起煮的)。
她妈妈不停的夹藕片给我,嘴里还说着,你吃藕你吃藕。她爸爸则拿起一个蛋,在桌子上滚来滚去。
唉……,我放下筷子说道:叔叔阿姨,您家这次煮的饭略微有点夹生,我和您女儿都喜欢吃熟饭,还有,我不吃藕,我喜欢吃白菜。


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无语


儿子期中考试时,生物卷十分钟就答完了。
得了98分。
今天老师讲卷子,儿子说:我怎么感觉老师讲的这些题我都没做过呢?


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666


读大学时,和对面医学院的一位兄弟玩的较好。

他从不吃晚饭,请他也不吃,并科普我:夜里消化系统处于休眠状态,进食会造成肠胃负担,导致脂肪在肝脏累积,不吃晚饭,能保证肝脏排毒促进健康……
十年后去他家做客几日,晚上餐餐大鱼大肉,于是质疑他:不是说不吃晚饭对身体好么?
他挠挠头:那时候穷,想省钱,你还记着呐?
我抖索着摸出一堆胃药哭辽……


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别怕鸭 有我 ​​​


四五十年代或者更早一点,一般起的名字都是特别土,而且还特别的搞笑,什么狗臭、粪叉、狗屎、臭蛋等等一大堆很难听的名字。有个叫的更可笑,兄弟几个连着叫“乌龟王八蛋”,老大叫做龟,老二叫王八,老三就叫旦,这样一家连起来刚好连成了一句话。听听这些名字其实也是很霸气的,叫起来响当当地!


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这种情况该怎么办…在线等 ​​​


半夜醒来看见一个红点 以为是电源没关 用手一按 蚊香


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这个DIY怎么样?给起个霸气点的名字 ​​​


公交车坐够了,准备骑行去单位!下载地图查询家距单位最近距离,忽然发现有智行选项,也就是最聪明的出行方式了吧!打开一看有点毛,因为它建议我坐公交车…~


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人体分离术 哈哈哈果然是个人才 长见识了 ​​​


6岁的儿子太淘气了,不写作业又在偷偷玩游戏,刚刚被我发现了,狠揍了他一下!
过了一会,想出去买包烟,车钥匙却找不到!我把房间每个犄角旮旯都找遍了,上窜下跳找了大半个小时!
最后,儿子看我着急了就问我,你要不要钥匙?你打人知错吗?你可以和我讲道理,不可以打人!
我愣了一下,问他你知道钥匙在哪?快拿出来!他笑着说,你给我先认错,我就告诉你……


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没人买,自己吃一块


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/153.html
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