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00612警告!你已进入艳遇频发地区
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00612警告!你已进入艳遇频发地区

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跟老婆处朋友的时候,刚参加工作。
咯咯咯……
有一次单位节日聚餐,坐下不久,发现老婆她们单位也聚餐,都订在一个饭店,桌子离得不远。
老婆没事总瞄我,弄的我喝酒的时候提心吊胆的,怕老婆回去数落我。
奇怪的是,酒量颇高的领导今天状态欠佳,频频把酒倒给我......
后来我实在没办法了,就偷偷跟领导说:哥呀,对面白裙子女孩是我女朋友,我不敢多喝呀……
领导拉着我的手:女朋友顶多说你几句,她旁边穿蓝色西服的是你嫂子......-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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简单粗暴的辞职信 ​​​


前天哥儿几个聚会,喝六十几度的“闷倒驴”,我一人竟然下了八两,醉的一塌糊涂!晚上,鬼使神差的在同学圈里发了一个200元的最大红包,早上起来发现,已经覆水难收了,问我有多后悔,死的心都有了!昨天吃晚饭的时候气不过,借酒浇愁,没想到又喝醉了,他们夸我,一高兴又发了大红包!今早天阴下雨 ,爬起来在外面淋了半小时,衣服快湿透了,可能是着凉发烧了,现在又坐在饭馆里,想回点酒,又担心恶性循环,想问你们,这酒还能喝不能喝了?臭美[臭美]
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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一个准父亲的账单,大家觉得够吗? ​​​


昨天老婆理了个板寸,看起来就是一个年轻小伙子!
晚上我俩一起出去,她干脆直接穿我的体恤、休闲裤和皮鞋!!

今天小区就传开了,说我不像话,勾搭了个小伙子,还老公老婆叫!

我……我在哪申冤去?!!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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......


我开公交车的,昨晚最后一趟已经十一点多了,终点站就剩一个女的,她下车的时候见我看着她,她阴森森的说道:你真的能看见我?吓死我了,我马上回道:你下快点,后面还有这么多人等着下车呢!最后那女的吓哭了,死活不肯下车,我现在还在写检查呢。
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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wc 这就很尴尬了[允悲] ​​​


以前有个女子突然找到我家里来,说和我哥是在客车上认识的,一见如故,所以特地来找他,叙叙旧。
我哥当时去外地考察去了,不在,我只好硬着头皮和她拉拉家常,说说闲话。她在我家住了一夜,第二天中午就走了,留了个地址给我,叫我哥回来的时候,让我们兄弟俩务必去她家一趟,有话要说。……

半年后,我和几个朋友在离我们家很远的一个村里,帮人家盖房子。有天晚上,那个女子忽然又来了,说她刚好在这个村里做客,听说我们在这里干活,特意来看看我。
我说我哥在县城公园里开了个游乐场,当了老板,女子也只是笑笑,就岔开话题了… …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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诚实的厂家


说说一个曾经伤我很深的妹纸吧。

我和她是在一个高端酒会认识的,闲聊之后发现臭味相投。
我奉行“七不如切、切不如透、透不如透不着”,她则坚信“别人的男盆友撬到手才有成就感”。
于是,我们自然而然地互相打掩护,出入各个聚会。我们装作是男女盆友关系,让别人放松警惕,然后我去撩 萌 妹,她去撩 帅 哥。

为了交流战果与心得,我们搬到一起住。
我告诉她什么样的男人喜欢什么 调 调,她告诉我妹纸在什么情况下到底是怎么想的,还经常排练。
那段不断学习与实践的日子让我非常充实!

有一天 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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这特么的就是人生。。。 ​​​


每当我想知道这个月有没有31号时,就会在心里默念“一三五七八十腊,三十一天永不差”。[捂脸]
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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同事生病住院,领导给我们放了半天假去慰问他。。。

同事:…… ​​​


我是蜘蛛,爱上了一只白天鹅!她每天都去河边戏水,我决定捕获她!
我织了弥天大网,半空中撒下将她擒拿!
被束缚住的天鹅不断哀鸣!我想安抚她,她却转身带着网一起沉入河中,死了!
我织网捉她,有错吗?我爱她呀!
想起天鹅死前惊恐的目光,我记得天鹅也叫“鸿鹄”,于是悲伤地唱起:
早知惊鸿一场,何必情深一网,昨日……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


IMG_20200612_154243_192.jpg


我傻了,我要看电视找眼镜戴,结果去衣服口袋里把口罩翻出来戴上了
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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儿子的网课上,生物老师讲的很大声,有同学反馈说每次生物课都要把电脑音量调小点。
生物老师不无尴尬地说:我总以为在学校上课呢,怕坐在后面的同学听不清。
为如此负责的老师点赞!-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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sad story


老公这些天特别忙,礼拜都没回家。今天一大早就发个 红 包 过来,说宝贝,六一快乐!
我那个高兴,立马发 视 频 过去,给他一个么 么哒,老公笑容满面说:“媳妇你醒了。红包是给闺女的,你一会你给现 金 给她哈!”[哀怨]-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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一旦接受了这个设定


我们小区九十岁的岁张爷爷喊六十岁王大爷“小伙子”。
王大爷听到之后内心极其复杂。
昨天俩人下象棋,眼看张爷爷就要输了。
他突然说道:小伙子,能让我悔步棋吗?
王大爷当时把头低下去,极不情愿的“嗯”了一声....-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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是我,咋滴吧?


今天开车等红绿灯,后面来了一辆120急救车,我二话不说闯红灯给它让路,等我闯红灯后我慌了回头一看,120没动
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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画面感太强


接到她的结婚请柬时,我踌躇了一会,开始设计我的行动方案:一、在她哭着向我道歉的时候,我推开新郎,拉着她的手,夺路而逃;
二、悄悄的告诉她,月上柳梢头的时候,我在某个地方等她;
三、不管她愿不愿意,强行把她扛在肩头上,跑!
。。。
事实证明,我想多了!那天我把自己锁在家里,喝得烂醉如泥。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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我一生下来就是很黑,据说我母亲怀我那时候特喜欢吃皮蛋捂脸[捂脸]每次出门都会被笑。
但是我妈怀妹妹的时候口味又变了,改吃鸡蛋了,然后我妹妹有一种晒不黑的白大哭[大哭]-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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沙县咖啡,比星巴克的好喝


中午来了几个朋友,请他们吃饭,从饭店出来,遇见一群带红领巾的小盆友,很有礼貌,给我们让路还叔叔伯伯的打招呼,声音有如莺啼,听了让人舒畅!!……

不过,前面有位爷爷级的人物他们叫伯伯,到我这就偏偏就叫了爷爷……

到下班我都没想明白,真的!!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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“警方在拍摄过程中发现,该市民对美发店员工动手动脚,而员工也没有抗拒,像是有一种心照不宣…”


下班回家,看到妈妈在削土豆皮,我看着发芽了,提醒妈妈:妈,土豆都发芽了,有毒不能吃。
妈妈一脸鄙夷:小时候你闹着吃地窖的土豆,我看到都发芽了,只好去掉芽和皮的大部分,你不一直都这么吃着长大的。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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