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00608摆摊怎能少的了武大郎炊饼
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00608摆摊怎能少的了武大郎炊饼

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受疫 情影响,同学赋闲在农村老家。
闲聊的时候我随口问他了一句:​地种的咋样了?收成还行吗?
同学淡淡的回应了一句:“还行吧,大夫说是双胞胎…不出意外的话,年底得请你来我们家喝满月酒…”​
哎哟!我了个去…​-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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这是不是你


6岁的儿子太淘气了,不写作业又在偷偷玩游戏,刚刚被我发现了,狠揍了他一下!
过了一会,想出去买包烟,车钥匙却找不到!我把房间每个犄角旮旯都找遍了,上窜下跳找了大半个小时!
最后,儿子看我着急了就问我,你要不要钥匙?你打人知错吗?你可以和我讲道理,不可以打人!
我愣了一下,问他你知道钥匙在哪?快拿出来!他笑着说,你给我先认错,我就告诉你……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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深以为然。。。


小姨子嫁的好,座驾宝 马!小舅子做点生意,也发财了,座驾奥 迪!我是苦 命 打工仔,省吃俭用多年才买了一台三手北 汽 幻 速!
这天节日都去小舅子家做客,几家子的小孩都在围着车转,小姨子家小孩说他家的车好,小舅子家小孩说他家车好,我儿子很不服气的把他们拉到我家车前指着车标:我敢说你们的车没有一个比我家的好,看到了没有,这两个牛 角,这才是全世界最牛的车!
我忍不住笑出了声!-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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摆摊怎能少的了武大郎炊饼


今天闲来无事在营区溜达,忽看见厨师晒在屋顶的朝天椒,遂走向前仔细瞅了瞅。发现有的晒得焉趴趴了,而有的还很新鲜,把手朝底下一翻,底下一层居然开始稀了。心里一边想这败家子,好不容易种出来的辣椒,一边用手翻动还找来另外一个筐,把已经烂了的捡出来,又把好的梳理一遍,重新铺开晒晒。
折腾了半天,看着已经被我重新整理好的辣椒,心里满满的喜悦感。然一股屎意加尿意来袭,急匆匆奔向展厅。在前台拿了几张纸巾,又快速冲向厕所,脱裤蹲坑一气呵成,随着一阵阵激流倾泻而下,我满足的掏出早已揉成团的纸巾,仔细擦试完 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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香港战狼财政司长


最近感 觉 我压 力 越来越 大 了,照了照 镜子,原来是我的头 发太 长 了,已经三 月没 理 发了!!!
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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论如何回绝男生的骚扰…


今年装修的都差不多,前段时间一直没活干,工人都自找门路,跟别的公司去做了。
现在公司接到活了,工人找不到了,老板让各工种头头去找人。
下午公司通知开会,除了公司坐办公室的几个人以外,就水电工组,也就是本人到场的。
老板急忙联系木工组,泥工组和油漆工组的几个人头头后,气急败坏的道:都是忘恩负义的家伙,让他们去招人的,现在都被招了,散会。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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哈尔滨工业大学,全球首个拥有核打击能力的大学!


中午给儿子洗奶瓶的时间,发现里面有四十毫升没喝,我算了下,最少两块钱。
倒掉有点舍不得,自己又不想喝,转眼,看见老婆买的奶茶大刺刺的在桌上!……
呵呵,别怪我,都是奶,我给你加点!!!

老婆喝奶茶的时间,看她沉醉的样子……
我放心了,安全!!!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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我搞大了老婆闺蜜的肚子,怎么办好呢?


我这人最缺少的就是耐心,听说钓鱼可以培养一个人的耐心,于是我去买了一根鱼竿,
而这几天天天下雨,心想到时去不能让人看笑话,就在屋里开始练习抛竿,
经过这几天练习我发现躺在床上玩手机更舒服了,再也不用起来关灯了,直接鱼竿就行了,也不占地方……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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这人怕是没读过小学《刻舟求剑》


隔壁美女小丽这段时间喜欢上了烹饪,天天变着花样弄菜,清蒸桂花鱼,红烧羊肉,乌鸡洋参汤……她送了好多菜给我,说是让我尝尝手艺!把我感动的差点流泪……就是小丽做的菜口味有点怪,有时太咸有时太淡……
直到今天,碰到小丽他爸,听到我在夸他女儿做的菜好好吃,不知咋得盯着我仔细看,竟然大笑起来,没过多久又哎声叹气伤心流泪……
过后才知,小丽失恋了,有点精神失常,她化悲愤为力量,喜欢上了烹饪,自己做好菜又不吃,然后把做好的饭菜通通送人,而送人还要看人,就是要那种看起来又胖又丑的,说是令可给又胖又丑的人吃,也不 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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我的天


今天老婆的同学从福州来长沙,去机场接的时间,我开的一哥们的豪车!

她同学(女)坐下来在挂挡处拿起一张小卡片,微笑着对我说:正哥,不该放的还是别放啊!!

我正想说车不是我的时,她又来了句:唉,正哥,看你温文尔雅的样子,其实是个渣男!!……

我……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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如果论开车,我认为这个行业绝对是老司机中的王者。


问:如果有天你收到一个盒子,里面是你至今为止丢失的所有东西,你觉得会是些什么?

答:-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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穷在闹市无人问,富在深山有远亲。


大清早,我开车到农村老家,对我爸说:爸,今天又是五一,又是您生日,祝你乐上加乐。
我爸头都没抬:别整那些虚的,节日红包、生日礼物,都拿出来吧。
我连忙掏出两百块:这是节日红包,至于生日礼物嘛,我打算接我妈过去我那,孙女想奶奶啊。
我爸一愣:这算哪门子生日礼物啊?我过生日,她去玩?
我嘿嘿一笑:您想想,这样您不就可以叫您那几个狐朋狗友,中午在咱家,炒几个小菜,喝点小酒,饭后又打点小牌。
我爸听后,喜笑颜开:这礼物好,我喜欢,还是你这臭小子懂我呀。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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以前他叫张鹏现在他叫张朋


老公回来给我带了四个鸟笼,问我喜欢鹦鹉还是八哥?
我说只要会说话的都行。要不你去贵州给我抓个猫头鹰也行啊!
他哈哈一笑说:你这孩子咋啥都敢想呢?我看应该到草原给你抓只雕回来天天给你抓啤酒.......
捂脸-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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细思极恐,难怪你单身!


这辈子是儿子,女婿,丈夫,父亲,姑父,只有儿子最好当,却是不合格的!
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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看懂的面壁思过


刚去杭州时,到处找工作无果,只好去职,介,所求助。负责人给了我一个地址,说某火,脏,场招工,问我敢不敢去。。。
我一路问去,场里的领导看看我,说:我们不招残疾人!!
我气坏了,啪啪啪踢了几个飞腿,再来两个空翻,得意的说:看到了吧?我身体好着呢!!
领导点点头,对助手说:看到了吧?典型的脑残!!
我。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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