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00607煎和熬都是变美味的方法,加油也是
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00607煎和熬都是变美味的方法,加油也是

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小姨昨晚说给我介绍一对象,今天要带来家里看看!老妈特别开心,叨咕着,能不能嫁出去就看这一个了……
这不,一大早上,跟着老妈去市场买菜,我拉着小车跟在老妈后面走,市场的人还真是很多,老妈也买了一大堆好吃的往我的小车上放,我就低着头玩手机,一不小心,我踩到一个人的脚,出于本能,连忙说声对不起,那人一边跳着脚,一边咧着嘴说没事儿,还关心的问我有没有硌到脚?
……我以为是我的春天来了,一抬头,居然是前男友……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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韩国瑜,2018年,89万张选票当选,2020年,93万张选票罢免。


小时候老爸每次要揍我,我就急忙爬树上,任他在树下喊半天,愣是不下来!
今天他又说起我小时候,还说要让糗友们看看我小时候爬树的怂样!于是乎,
他就把我糗 百头像,换成左上角这货儿[doge]-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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这倒是真的


昨晚和老婆逛街,一母婴店给我们一张九十九的代金券,进去后,老婆七七八八的挑了几千块的东西,关键是我发现东西比平常提价了不少!!……

我断然不买,老婆很生气:代金券怎么办?!……

果然,女人都爱占小便宜!!-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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还能干活吗?


上星期公司统一照贴形象墙上的照片,我心血来潮,要负责这个的帮打印了张黑白照……
回家后我把框着放书房的书柜上!

特么,这些人一点都不懂怀旧,个个都说是“遗照”!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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煎和熬都是变美味的方法,加油也是。


男人努力赚钱是为了结婚,女人努力赚钱是为了不结婚。

男生买了房就有底气结婚了,
女生买了房就有底气单身了。


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这个能算吗?好像是挺有道理的


男友最近在减肥,为了每天都能监测体重的变化,网购一个体重秤。每天早上、晚上都坚持测量一次,记录体重是多少。

每天他测量体重后,总要嘀咕几句:又跟昨天的一样?怎么还是这么重?还减不下来?这是怎么回事?偶尔还捧着体重秤研究。一个月过去了,今天,他终于恼羞成怒喊着:破秤,一点用都没有,还是这么重,不要了,扔掉了!!!

我该不该告诉他,体重秤只是测量体重,不能帮他减轻体重的??-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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大陆人均GDP最高和最低都在新疆。


上班期间,LZ很少做饭,那天侄子说他想吃蒸 蛋,家里就我跟他两个人,饭自然是由我来做了,网上扒拉半天,找了些蒸 蛋流程,一个人在厨房鼓捣半天,我这么用心,你一定也认为我做得很成功吧!
毫无疑问,我​是对得起自己的付出的,侄子吃完夸我:姑姑,你蒸的蛋很像马 蜂 窝,我妈妈都不会这样蒸……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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去年12月的和今年6月武汉


周末从爸妈那吃饭回家,送我们回的爸妈白发苍苍,真的老态龙钟了!!

二老送至小区大门口,望着他们依依不舍的神情,我不由感慨:爸妈,你们辛苦了,下辈子,我还做你的儿子!!

我刚说完,二老掉头就走:有这辈子就够了,还下辈子!!……

我……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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大雄的爸爸有一次撒酒疯,家里没人制得住。大雄只能带他坐时光机回到奶奶还时活着的时代,他看到自己妈妈的瞬间变成了孩子,扑进怀里哭诉自己工作时的委屈。有句话是“能哭的地方只有厕所和爸爸的怀里。”这残酷的成人世界。


老婆今天抱回来一个快递,一到家就鼓捣,我一看是染发膏,问她过年刚染的头发,怎么这么快就要换颜色了。
老婆撩了下头发回我:这不是娃儿要开学了嘛,以后每天出门​接送孩子,出门的机会多了可不得好好收拾一下,换个颜色就是换种心情,你日夜操劳得都有白头发了,要不也给你整点?
唉,那个,我想问一下,闷青色好不好看?-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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???成熟的90后女士


情人节,媳妇一大早就提醒我发红包给她,不给有我好看!
我上班发现车坏了,索性打车吧,到了地方问女司机多少钱。女司机说:顺路,你给50块算了!我脑子一抽给她发了个520的红包……
女司机看了看我,沉着脸说:大叔,你没人要我可有男朋友,你别来这一套!……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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跳得真好


小侄子太调皮了,好几次都想揍他,可又迫于我爸妈的压力没敢动手,只好忍了,

但当我坐沙发上玩手机时他又跑了过来,我沉着脸咬牙切齿的看着他,一切神情都表明只要他再靠近我就要动手了,

而他也感觉到了危险远远的站着翻着白眼看着我,看着他那欠揍的样子我终于没忍住放了个屁……
我妈一看这情形赶紧道:你看把你叔气得满肚子气都没地方出了……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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网约翻车现场


有一个女的,好不容易才拿到驾照,第二天就硬要开着她老公的车上班。
那天恰逢星期五,下午回家时,下班的,接学生的,正是马路高峰期。
车子太多,她新手不敢变道,被滚滚车流裹挟着往前走,走啊走,走啊走,就这样开到了郊区……
别问我怎么知道的,我特么那天是打车去了二十里外的郊区,才把车和人带回来的。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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我还以为是替身使者,原来是健身操做失败了


去某厂人事部面试,测辨色力的时候,我被刷了下来。。。

大姨姐不服气,找了个老乡去报名,说那个人和我有点像。。。

第二天,我拿着老乡的身份证和招工表,顺利进了厂里人人羡慕的保,密,车,间。。。

上班时,主任来了,拿着身份证左看右看,满脸狐疑:你年轻的时候很帅啊!!

我指着我的脸,弱弱的说:我出过车祸,脸变形了!。。。-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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抓老鼠超速了


初中三年,我都是和我表哥同桌。他对我真的很好,但我知道,在他心里,我永远都是他表妹,而不是别的什么人!
没想到的是,初三时,竟然有人把我和表哥告到了班主任那里,说我们早,恋!!……

班主任知道我们是亲表兄妹,自然不相信,也不难为我们,只是说要保持分寸,不要让人说闲话,影响不好。
表哥看看我,走过去搂着班主任的肩膀,嘻皮笑脸的说:大哥,麻烦你告诉兄弟一声,谁向你告的状,我去谢谢TA!
大哥?我惊呆了!

后来我才知道,我们班主任的老爸,是表哥的干爹,表哥的名字,就是班主任老爸起的。
当时我气坏了 …-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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亏本生意


我们从“加油站附近不能用手机”一步跨到了“油费可以用手机支付”上
-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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持证上岗


公司里搞拓展训练!
训练了一天,每次排名都最后,俯卧 撑做了不少!最后一项就是自由跑向停在一公里外的大巴车旁,第一名有惊喜!心想:短跑可是我强项,这次一定要跑第一,拿个惊喜奖,不能再最后一个受 罚 了!
为了拿个第一我也是拼了,脚底抹油,跑的飞快,结果如我所愿,拿了第一名!高兴的我露出了酒窝笑!
教官说:第一名体力很好嘛,俯卧 撑准备:50个!!!
卧槽……-- Delivered by Feed43 service


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原创文章,作者:Heresy,如若转载,请注明出处:https://here.sy/123.html
这么有创意的饼干还是第一次见
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